Rite of Pillage
Rite of Pillage 'is the second half of the fourth episode of Dave the Barbarian. Synopsis Dave faces a dilemma, where he'll lose his barbarian title and disgrace his family if he cannot pass a pillaging test. Quotes :'Storyteller: When a tale is so great that it is passed down through the centuries, we call it, a legend. The story you are about to hear... Is not that great. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not a bad story, it has chickens in it, it's just not great. ---- :is frusterated at how many presents Dave has received. :Candy: All wrong! World: upside-down! I'm the princess in this family, do you know how long it's been since I've got a gift basket? A gift certificate? A nice card!? ---- :"calls" her mom and dad through a cauldron. They are chained to a wall. :Glimia: Well, when you fight evil, sometimes you're gonna get put in a fiendish deathtrap from which you have to heroically escape at the last instant. ---- :Throktar: Don't worry about your Rite of Pillage, son. Ransack a town, rob the peasants, then, bang! Home for cake. Easy-peasy. ---- :Glimia: Oops, the dungeon keeper's coming! Time for us to pull off our heroic escape and destroy the citadel! :Thronktar: Toodle-bye! ---- :Pillage Master: Men know me as... The Pillage Master. But you may call me... Doria. :Dave: Thats a pretty name. ---- :trains for his Rite of Pillage. :Dave: throat. I would like to formally apologise for all the trouble we barbarians have- :Fang: No! Scare them, scream at them, run and yell! Run and yell! ---- :Lula: You're about as scary as a quart of non-fat milk! ---- :Storyteller: And the chickens do peck upon the head of Dave until the next sunrise and well into the afternoon. ---- :Pillage Master: Dave, it is now the sixteenth hour of the sixteenth day of the sixteenth month, of your sixteenth year! :Dave: Sixteenth month? Has anyone checked this guy's math? ---- :Pillage Master issues Dave an F on his battle cry. :Oswidge: Hark, the dread footfalls of family disgrace draw nigh. :Fang: If that means Dave's a bonehead, I agree. ---- :Pillage Master describes the "Laying Waste" test. :Pillage Master: You must lay waste here, begins chuckling, then you must lay waste over there. Then, when you feel you can no longer lay waste, you- all right, what is so funny!? ---- :"ruins" some houses. :Dave: Look at that hideous paint job, the atrocious awnings, and the landscaping- ugh! From a design standpoint, those buildings are ruined beyond belief! ---- :the Plundering Test, Dave rings a doorbell and asks if he can steal some jewels. :Some Kid: a microphone in a stand-up comedian role. We're so poor, our bologna doesn't have a first name! Hello!? microphone. Has this thing been invented yet? Come on, these are the jokes, people! We're so poor, we can't buy a vowel! So, two guys walk into a barbarian... ---- :Pillage Master: Oh, there must be something lower than F-minus. Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! :Candy: Here's the plan: we changes our names, move to a distant island, and disguise ourselves as a family of travelling donkey polishers. :Fang: Is this before or after we beat Dave to a pulp? ---- :Fang: Psych! No way man! Later we're gonna sneak up and skin you with a clam shell. cracks knuckles :Dave: I like clams. ---- :finds out about the final test in the Rite of Pillage. :Dave: Penmanship? Singing. Look out people, here I come! ---- :Storyteller: Mighty is his ink, and flawless his calligraphy! Ne'er has such a feat of penmanship been witnessed in the history of mankind! And his spelling is good, too. ---- :questions why penmanship counts for 70% of Dave's final grade. :Pillage Master: I know, but the whole Rite of Pillage thing is sponsored by a pen company. D-minus! Episode Category:Episodes